Is it wrong to ask people where they are from?

I often get asked where I am from.  Not because I look different or sound different from most other Canadians but because of my name, Helgi Eyford.  “Where did you get a name like Helgi.”  I realize that in a country made up of immigrants from many countries and a great diversity of Indigenous peoples, asking where you are from can be a way of finding common ground, of celebrating our respective origin stories. 

But for others, the question can be a threatening.  Imagine that you were born and raised in Canada to parents who were themselves born in India.  When someone asks you where you are from, it is hard not to wonder what made them think you are from somewhere else.  The obvious answer is that they are asking because of your skin color. They are drawing attention to the fact that you look different from them.  And why would they do that?

Often when people born and raised in Canada are asked where they come from they make a point of saying Oshawa, Calgary, Victoria, or wherever. That should be a signal to the questioner that the person does not want to talk about their ethnic background.  Some people don’t get the hint and continue, “No, where are you really from?”  That can be awkward.

The same applies to people who have an accent, they often get asked where they are from.  I know some who turn it into a game. They invite the questioner to guess where they are from.  Others are offended because yet another person is drawing attention to the fact that they are different, that they are somehow not quite fully Canadian.  That’s how it can feel. 

And then there are those who grew up speaking English with an accent.  Some don’t realise that English is a national language in India and Nigeria.  They speak with a different accent, but they grew up speaking English and it can be somewhat foolish and maybe even offensive to say “you speak English so well.” 

I have a friend who once complained that he had difficulty getting a job because of his English accent.  I assured him that it was probably his personality since in my experience an English accent is an advantage in Canada, it conveys an air of intelligence or refinement to many.  But he was convinced that because many people asked where he was from, he was seen as an outsider, as someone who just may not “get it.”

The point is, you may be curious to know where someone is from, you may want to celebrate their difference but don’t ask.  Engage with that person as a friend and colleague and let them tell you about their background if and when they want to tell you.

Don’t let your curiosity undermine Inclusion.

The Harvard Business Review did a nice piece on this topic that you might want to check out: What’s Wrong with Asking “Where Are You From?” (hbr.org)